Someone ended up in urgent care and has a big metal finger. We'll let you guess who.
It’s Tuesday again or something! Dan and Maureen aren’t sure. They think it is Tuesday. Anyway, things are fine. Dan is dealing well with Zoom Kindergarten, and Maureen has good news to share! Really good news! She had an adventure.
Of course, there are things that have to be discussed, like the passing of RBG and failed COVID policies in two countries. And the debates next week. Oh, that’s right. The debates next week. And Dan, because he is a jerk, won’t tell Maureen what will happen in the aforementioned debate. She wants to know. It’s all a lot, so why Dan is keeping this information to himself isn’t clear.
We’re really in it now, SaysWhovia. Time to stick together. Follow the big metal finger.
Dan:
This episode of Says Who is brought to you by you, through your support of our Patreon, at Patreon.com/SaysWho, which is where every single Sunday, you get a whole other Says Who if you are five-dollar-a-month supporter. We call it Quarantine Sunday, but I don't know what either of those words mean anymore. Patreon.com/SaysWho.
Maureen:
Now, listen ...
Dan:
Whoa.
Maureen:
I need to talk to you about books.
Dan:
Oh, boy.
Maureen:
I really need to talk to you about it because ... Listen, you guys. Your old friend Maureen, she's writing a book, and it's going tough. So, you'd be doing her a real solid if you went out and picked out a couple copies of Truly Devious. Now, I don't want you to spend much money. I don't want you to spend money at all, to be honest with you. But, say you wanted to do it. Barnes & Noble ... They're at every café.
Maureen:
Listen to me. Listen to what I'm saying. With any café purchase, Barnes & Noble, you get it for five dollars. They're right there. They'll just give you one. Not going in? Who is? It's five dollars with any book purchase on BN.com. Of course, it's always free at the library, and it's always extra special if you buy it from your local independent bookseller. But, my God, you guys would be doing me a solid.
Dan:
Speaking of solids, how about solid things that you can get in the mail from Merch.SaysWhoPodcast.com, where we have a whole line of solid things that we will send you, like our brand new set of Thickie Chex and his all-dinosaur orchestra merchandise. Mugs, hoodies, tote bags ... It is hoodie weather, Maureen Johnson-
Maureen:
It really is.
Dan:
... here in Chicago. Hoodie weather is my favorite time of year. So, I am excited for a Thickie Chex hoodie, as are a lot of people who have ordered them. So, enjoy them when they arrive, those solid things that you will get in the mail. Merch-
Maureen:
Solids.
Dan:
... dot Says Who podcast dot com ... We've got solids.
Maureen:
I like it. It was good how you did the solids, but it's about Chex. It's funny.
Dan:
Hmm ... I don't get it.
Maureen:
You know, like solid patterns, checked pattern?
Dan:
Oh, whoa. That's more than my brain has in me right now. I don't have anything like that.
Maureen:
Dan's deep brain is on it. All right, Dan ... I passed [crosstalk 00:03:09]-
Dan:
Hang on ... hang on-
Maureen:
Yep?
Dan:
Can you just hang on ... Hey, do you have the crayons that you need? The teacher said you needed a red and a ... Hang on, Maureen. You needed a red-
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
Hold on a second. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've been on hold for 15 minutes, but ... Hold on. Maureen?
Maureen:
Okay. Yeah?
Dan:
It's just ... No, hold on. Put your shirt down? Can you put your shirt-
Maureen:
My shirt's down.
Dan:
I'm sorry. Yeah. My bank account isn't connecting, and I'm not ... Maureen-
Maureen:
Am I-
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
Was I supposed to take my shirt off?
Dan:
No, no. I'm talking to the kid, and I'm also talking to a bank, and I'm also talking to you, and it's all fine.
Maureen:
Did the bank have their shirt off?
Dan:
I don't know what their fucking problem is. They can't see my bank account. That's their one goddamn job. I'm sorry. No. Not to you ... But, you are not seeing my bank account and your-
Maureen:
I'm not seeing your bank account, no.
Dan:
I don't want you to see my bank ... No, I do want you to see my ... Hold on. Can you-
Maureen:
You do or you don't want me to see your bank account?
Dan:
... just sit on your bottom, please?
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Just on your-
Maureen:
Got it. Okay.
Dan:
Just sit on your bottom, please?
Maureen:
Got it. I'm doing it.
Dan:
Okay, Maureen. It's just not going to get any better. We should just do this.
Maureen:
I am sitting on my bottom-
Dan:
No, not you.
Maureen:
... Oh.
Dan:
Oh.
Maureen:
Do you want my shirt on or off? I'm really confused.
Maureen:
Welcome to Says Who, the podcast that isn't a podcast.
Dan:
It's a coping strategy. I am Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
And, I'm Maureen Johnson.
Dan:
I made a critical error today, Maureen Johnson. I tried-
Maureen:
Did you?
Dan:
... to actually do work while on my Zoom kindergarten shift.
Maureen:
Sounds smart. Sounds smart.
Dan:
You know how sometimes you do work, and everything just works out, and it's really easy? And then, there's-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
... all the other times?
Maureen:
Yes. I know about the other times.
Dan:
Yeah. It turns out that you can really only multitask during a Zoom kindergarten class if you have the rare day that everything works fine work-wise. I did not have that day today, and I am one gigantic nerve of anxiety now. That's how I am. How are you, Maureen Johnson?
Maureen:
Well, it sounds like someone needs some good news.
Dan:
I do. Give me some good news. There's good news? I didn't-
Maureen:
Oh, yeah.
Dan:
... even know that was a thing.
Maureen:
And-
Dan:
I didn't know that was possible.
Maureen:
Yep. I have good news.
Dan:
Wow. Good.
Maureen:
Are you ready? Yeah.
Dan:
Yeah. This is ... Yes. Bring it. Good news. Let's hear it.
Maureen:
I don't have COVID.
Dan:
Hey! Good job. That's great news.
Maureen:
You want to know how I know?
Dan:
I do. I do want to know how you know.
Maureen:
Because I was tested. You want to know why I was tested?
Dan:
Uh oh ... Yes?
Maureen:
Now, it's not the reason you're thinking.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
You're thinking maybe that I felt sick and got tested. I'm not sick.
Dan:
Okay ...
Maureen:
That's not why I got tested for COVID.
Dan:
Good. Okay ...
Maureen:
See, I got tested for COVID because I was already there, and I said, "While I'm here, you might as well stick a thing up my nose and put a thing in my arm."
Dan:
Can I just ... clarifying question here.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
I was already there. Where is there in that sentence?
Maureen:
Ah, now you're asking the right questions, Dan. At urgent care.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Hey, Maureen?
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Why-
Maureen:
You know, Dan-
Dan:
... were you at urgent care?
Maureen:
Dan, I can tell you're a reporter because you're asking all the right questions. You really are. So, I was being safe. I think that's the important part we need to establish this story. The reason I was at urgent care is because I was being safe about things. You see, Dan-
Dan:
You were being ... Okay. Yeah.
Maureen:
Yes. You see, I have long hair.
Dan:
Okay ...
Maureen:
And, I happen to have my-
Dan:
Didn't go where I thought.
Maureen:
Yeah, I have long hair ... It's pretty ... It's actually quite long. I haven't gotten it cut since January. So, normally, I have it cut every three months or so because when you have long hair, the ends get really thin, and they can snag and break and knot. You just have to keep them clean. I have been periodically trimming my hair with a tiny pair of embroidery scissors, just taking the tips off, which I did last week partially out of nervousness while we were recording.
Dan:
Yeah. We discussed that.
Maureen:
Well, Dan, after that conversation, I had a brainstorm.
Dan:
Oh, boy ... Uh oh.
Maureen:
I said, "I should not be trimming my hair with little, tiny embroidery scissors. They don't work very well.
Dan:
Oh, good.
Maureen:
"I should just order a pair of proper haircutting scissors." So, that's what I did.
Maureen:
So, they came. They came in a nice case. Surprisingly high quality for not much money. You get a nice case. And so, I was like, "Yes! Now I can cut this little knot out of the tip of my hair in just one nice big cut, like a nice, even snip, in a straight line."
Dan:
Yeah. Sure. What could go wrong?
Maureen:
I open it up. I go march into the bathroom, and I measure it out with a comb. And then, I do that thing where you run your fingers down it and you pinch it in place, and then I slide the scissors alongside of it. Now, here's the thing, Dan. That was fine. The sliding, the gesture, was fine. Just the very, very tip of the scissors lightly grazed my knuckle, or so it appeared. But, as I closed the scissors ... I've had them for 30 seconds.
Maureen:
What I did, Dan ... Now, see, what happened here is I felt a strange sensation, and I went, "Hmm, something's happened there." And, I look down, Dan, and what I'd done was ... Yeah, I cut the skin entirely off my knuckle on the left hand. It was gone. Well, it was kind of flat back, but it was a surprisingly large ... not quite as big as a dime, but half the size of it. Most of the skin of the knuckle was simply gone. When I looked, it was one of those things where you look down, and as my mom said, when you look at a cut and it's winking at you, you know you've done a thing.
Maureen:
So, much like the time I was making Dole Whips and Trump was talking and I slammed my hand down ... And, this was the day after we got some terrible news, which I believe was Friday night. I don't know what time is anymore. I think I was just trying to do something constructive. And, what I did was cut all the skin off my knuckle on my left hand.
Maureen:
And so, I was like, "Huh." What I said to Oscar was, "Hey, come here. Look at this." And, his response from the other room was, "Do you need to go to urgent care?" because he knows that when I say a question like that ... All that he needed to hear-
Dan:
Oh, so he didn't need to-
Maureen:
That's all he heard.
Dan:
... witness any-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
He did not come in and say it.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
He said it from the other room.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Oh, good.
Maureen:
That's how well ... Because when you hear this from me ... "Huh. Hey, come here and look at this" ... It means something has happened.
Dan:
That's good.
Maureen:
So, immediately, blood started shooting out of it, like burble-
Dan:
Perfect.
Maureen:
I had described it as burbling. And so, I was like, "Oh, I've got to wrap this up." So, I immediately grab some toilet ... wrap it around, and I held it up, and I put pressure on it, and then, I took a little peek at it, and I was like ... I looked at it for a minute. I'm like, "I'm not going to be able to close that one on my own. I could try, but it's not going to happen." I have gauze and things, but it was one of those things you look at and you go, "Yeah, I've done a lot of home surgery stuff and home wound care since this all started, but this one I'm not going to be able to close."
Maureen:
I had an injury to my foot, which I basically nudged closed on my own for three weeks in the beginning. I dealt with the cut on my eye, but this one I was like, "But, we're in good shape here. New York is doing pretty well, and the city MD is actually a very safe place to go if you have to go now." In the beginning, nothing would've been worth it except if I ... This was a case of blood loss, where I was like, "If I don't get this thing closed, I'm going to lose a lot of blood."
Maureen:
So, I go over, and I'm like, "Doo doo doo doo doo," and he's like, "It's a little chilly out," and I was like, "Yep, I'll change my clothes." So, I have my hand up, and I put some warmer clothes on because I'm just wearing some shorts and stuff, because I don't think I'm going anywhere. I pull up some sweatpants and pull on a sweatshirt, and I'm like, "All right, I'll be back in a few."
Maureen:
I walk over to urgent care, and honestly, Dan, it felt good. It was just nice to be going somewhere different. It was a beautiful morning, and I was like, "This is fun. This is just something new. It's just something new to do."
Maureen:
So, I went in and I sat there, and they came in and they looked at it. They were like, "Yep ... Okay. Well, we're going to try to glue that shut." I just watched it, and I was like ... because what they did is it was too big ... You couldn't stitch it because of where it is. It's directly on the knuckle. So, they put the flap back down, cleaned it, and then they put glue all around it to try to seal it. And then, they wrapped it up, and they were like, "Okay."
Maureen:
I'm looking at my finger now. It's got gauze all wrapped around. I change it all the time. It has to be changed. And then, it's in a finger splint, so I can't bend my finger for at least a week or get it wet.
Dan:
Oh, good.
Maureen:
So, this is during a time of fairly intense hand-washing. And, also, I type, and I'm on a deadline, so I have an immobilized hand I can't wash really well.
Dan:
Perfect.
Maureen:
Yeah. But, when I was there, I was like, "Look, since I'm in the chair, let's do this thing." And so, I got the zoop up the nose. It's not too bad.
Dan:
Yeah. Swab to the dome ...
Maureen:
It's not too bad. It stings for a second, and then it's fine. It's really not a big deal. And, I got my results back really quite quickly. I got them yesterday. I was tested on Saturday, so some good turnaround times. And, I tested-
Dan:
Good job.
Maureen:
... negative in both. So, I consider it a win-win.
Dan:
That is the feelgood story of the week.
Maureen:
I know, right?
Dan:
I'll tell you that.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Just full of good feelings now. Glad your finger's on the mend. I did that once to my-
Maureen:
Oh ... There's blood on my phone.
Dan:
... pinky finger. Oh, good.
Maureen:
I legitimately just looked down and went, "Oh ..." See, I went around, and I had to clean up all the blood, but I guess some got on my phone case that I just noticed. Anyway. Sorry to interrupt.
Dan:
I did that to my pinky finger. What is it? My little finger ... when I was 20 and was cleaning a glass and shattered the glass in my hand and managed to really right along the knuckle ... and, yeah, full flap. At that point, I did not have any money and was not going to urgent care, so I just paper toweled that thing together for a long time, and now have a little scar on that finger that's a little smile. It's a little smile on the knuckle.
Maureen:
Yeah. This is also a time to be-
Dan:
But, it didn't get infected. I felt very proud of myself for that.
Maureen:
Yeah. You don't want to get any infections right now. It's a lot of blood's coming out of this. So, I'm just going to need to seal this one up. I've been keeping it real clean. I'm the daughter of a nurse. I always have proper gauze, proper tape. I have Betadine. This thing is clean.
Dan:
You're ready. You're set. You're set. Well, that was good. That was good news. Thanks, everyone, for listening to Says Who, your good news stop. We'll see you next week with more good news.
Maureen:
Well, Dan, it didn't really end there because later I had to really get to work, and I wasn't sure I was going to do that with my one hand. It's not working. And, I quick called my parents to see how they were. I was like, "Now, from this point on, I need a nice, normal day." And, I got my father on the phone, and I was like, "Okay. I'm really good. You got your groceries. All right." And then, he says to me, "Did I ever tell you I was kidnapped as a child?"
Dan:
Excuse me?
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
I'm just saying that's what he said to me. And, I said, "No."
Dan:
Had he ever told you that he'd been kidnapped-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
... as a child? Huh.
Maureen:
No, and this apropos of nothing ...
Dan:
Hmm.
Maureen:
This was in response to, "Okay, the groceries are good."
Dan:
Well, good. It's perfect.
Maureen:
I did inquire.
Dan:
Yeah, I was going to say did you perhaps pursue-
Maureen:
Yeah. I asked.
Dan:
... a line of questioning there?
Maureen:
Now, here's the thing. When I investigated a little, when I probed this story a little bit, I got to call bullshit. My dad grew up in ... He was a little bit of a street kid. He really didn't have a super good home life. But, he was five or so, and some neighborhood kids apparently just ... It was a little neighborhood kid scuffle, and a bunch of kids hoisted him up and took him away for a couple hours ... just took him. They're like, "We're just taking Ray." And, they took him, and then his cousin came and got him. So, I was like, "That's not kidnapping." It's not great, but it's still not kidnapping.
Dan:
As you told that story, in my head, it played out as an episode of The Little Rascals-
Maureen:
Kind of.
Dan:
... complete in black and white.
Maureen:
Yeah. I was like, "What did they do to you?" And, he was like, "I was just in their house."
Dan:
Hmm ... I think that most people would call that invited over to a neighbor kid-
Maureen:
I think it was a little ... It wasn't great. It was bad in the sense that you shouldn't go around taking five-year-olds if you're a kid-
Dan:
No. Generally speaking.
Maureen:
... and then just stashing them. But, I think they were just like, "Yeah, he's in our house." But, he didn't say that. He said, "I got kidnapped."
Dan:
Sure.
Maureen:
He does this.
Dan:
He's going through some stuff.
Maureen:
He does this a lot.
Dan:
Perfect. But, the good news is you don't have COVID.
Maureen:
I totally don't. Or, I didn't on Saturday.
Dan:
That's good. Glad about that.
Maureen:
Thank you.
Dan:
I had an allergy attack so bad on Sunday, I sneezed for approximately 11 hours. And then, I passed out at about 9:00 at night and slept for a solid 10. I woke up in the morning, and I was like, "I wonder if I have COVID," and then I realized that it was just allergies. But, it was one of those moments now that it's ... I remember in the spring, because I had a lot of spring allergies, and so there was always that moment of, is this allergies, or is this COVID? Now I get to play that game again here in the fall.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
It's not a good game.
Maureen:
Yeah, it's that nice time of year when everything gets kind of juicy and breezy and ... You know what I mean? Everything is very yummy out, you know?
Dan:
I feel like you've had some sort of short circuit in adjectives.
Maureen:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dan:
Juicy and yummy?
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Neither of those are descriptors for-
Maureen:
Fall?
Dan:
... October, as far as I know.
Maureen:
It's not October yet, Dan. Don't say that.
Dan:
I guess it's not.
Maureen:
It's not.
Dan:
I don't know what-
Maureen:
Don't say it is.
Dan:
It's not. You're right. You're right.
Maureen:
How dare you?
Dan:
How dare you? Wow, that was a very visceral reaction.
Maureen:
Dan ...
Dan:
Do you have deadlines before October by chance? I'm wondering.
Maureen:
You know what, Dan? Things are not going as well as they could be, and I think we'll need to talk about it sometime.
Dan:
Uh oh. Sounds good.
Maureen:
Would you like to talk about how another country is fucked?
Dan:
Yeah, sure. I mean, I know that all of this is an elaborate way of delaying the fact that we need to talk about just how fucked we are, but sure.
Maureen:
All right. You know what? It's just that, obviously, a really big thing happened this week. We all know about it. We don't like it, and-
Dan:
Tell me about another country.
Maureen:
All right. Do we want to just do the thing, and then I can tell you about how another country fucked up? Will that be better?
Dan:
I mean, it's all a bandaid rip, right? I don't know that the-
Maureen:
Okay. Let's do the thing. We're talking about the fact that Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away on Friday. I don't mean to bring me into this, but I had turned my internet off to work for four hours. But, my phone was going zing, zing ... I know now that if it zings more than three times that it means there's a news thing. But, I didn't pick it up right away. So, then, I walked over and was like, "Oh."
Dan:
Yeah. It was also at a moment where I was not on my phone, and it was a little bit in, where I suddenly looked and it was like, "Oh ... Oh."
Maureen:
Oh ...
Dan:
Oh ... Not great.
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
I mean, tremendously sad. Before any of it, she was a fucking amazing warrior of rights and has a legacy that is incredible, and it is tremendously sad to see her go. That is A-1. But, the timing ain't great.
Maureen:
Not her fault.
Dan:
No, not her fault in the least. It's just-
Maureen:
I just felt like saying that out loud.
Dan:
Yeah. No. No. Not anywhere in the least.
Maureen:
Not that you were saying it. I don't know why. I was just like, "It's just not ..."
Dan:
No, it's okay. It's good to reiterate, definitely not her fault. But, boy oh boy ... Not the thing that I think anyone wants to be dealing with here in the not-October part of the month.
Maureen:
And, certainly, we have found out a lot about just the depths of shitbaggery ... just the utter depths of shitbaggery.
Dan:
I mean, it's not so much we found out. It's that we had yet another opportunity to have it confirmed.
Maureen:
How deep is this trench? Oh, it's real deep. It goes all the way through the Earth.
Dan:
Yeah. For those of you that have maybe been unconscious for the last-
Maureen:
And, bless you if you have.
Dan:
... five years ... And, man, that sounds good.
Maureen:
Nice.
Dan:
If I had a time machine, that's what I'd do. I'd just go back in time and knock myself in the head real hard.
Maureen:
Dan, what are you doing?
Dan:
Here we are, September 22nd, six weeks pretty much to the day before Election Day, and there is now an open seat that they are scrambling in an almost cartoonish fashion to fill.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah ...
Dan:
The thing to me is I'm not surprised. There are a lot of people who are like, "Well, what hypocrites. Here's seven million different times that people said that you shouldn't do this, and now they're doing it." These folks have revealed themselves to be who they are repeatedly over the last four years. But, it does seem remarkably crass and ghoulish to not even wait for the body to be in the fucking ground.
Maureen:
I mean ... But, Dan ...
Dan:
Hmm?
Maureen:
This is a real dumb way of running things, isn't it?
Dan:
Yes.
Maureen:
I mean, this is-
Dan:
Which way?
Maureen:
I mean, this system is dumb. We made it so that an 87-year-old woman with pancreatic cancer had to hang on tooth and claw to try to keep the ship straight.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Lifetime appointments? It's nuts.
Dan:
Yes.
Maureen:
It's not a good system.
Dan:
No. There are multiple parts of this system that make no sense. And, certainly, giving lifetime appointments to people in a fashion that has become only more and more polarized over time seems remarkably boneheaded now.
Maureen:
The Electoral College, lifetime appointments ... There are lots of things we're like, "You know what? Maybe these were good ideas at the time, perhaps. Who knows?"
Dan:
Yeah. That a state of 33 million people gets the same number of senators as a state of 500,000 people ... There are any number of dumbass things that have become real clear and apparent.
Maureen:
Yeah. I had a lot of despairing conversations with friends that night who were really ... for a couple hours were lost ... I guess it's game over. And then, a couple hours later, they were like, "That was a temporary grief response." No, of course it's not game over because it's never been game over. It's not a game. Ask every Black person ever if they were like, "It's a game." They're like, "No, it's not a game, and it's not over. We've been doing this work for a long time. Welcome to our world."
Dan:
Right. The game is fucking rigged. That doesn't mean it's over. But, it sure doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.
Maureen:
Oh, it sucks.
Dan:
It is deeply suck. Deeply suck.
Maureen:
Well ...
Dan:
It's just silence. Just staring off into the middle distance there for a minute. I will tell you, that night, both Janice and I were floored by it, and we made it a very good decision, which was we just need to watch something loud and dumb right now. And, man, we watched Pacific Rim, and it was great for loud and dumb. Giant robots beating up on giant monsters-
Maureen:
It's a good thing to do.
Dan:
It was a good thing to do. I think I would've really gone around the bend had we not called that audible.
Maureen:
I was supposed to work because I balance running home stuff and admin stuff and helping Oscar because he has to run meetings from our living room. So, I was supposed to work Friday night, and that didn't ... At some point we have to talk about how to do things right now.
Dan:
Uh oh.
Maureen:
Got my hand over my eyes. Dan, we have passed the 200,000 death mark on the coronavirus. The actual numbers are probably much higher. Listen-
Dan:
This is the thing about that, Maureen. It appears that it is now the Midwest's turn in the barrel, is where I'm at. After the Northeast last spring and the South and Southwest this fall, our numbers keep crawling up. Not Illinois's so much, but Wisconsin, the Dakotas, Iowa, they're all shooting up, driven largely by college outbreaks, which who would've known? Who could've possibly guessed that shit?
Maureen:
Nobody. Nobody.
Dan:
Nobody. Nobody could've known.
Maureen:
Impossible.
Dan:
Nobody could've known. Yeah, the big drivers right now are colleges and other schools. And, do you know the thing that I learned today, Maureen Johnson, reading-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
... The New York Times? There is no federal requirement to collect COVID data from schools, and that each state and even within the states ... It can be down to individual school districts ... have made decisions whether or not they are reporting that shit. So, we literally have patchy data at best on how many children that we have sent back into buildings actually have COVID. It's great.
Dan:
The good news is we're six weeks from Election Day, Maureen.
Maureen:
Okay. You know what, Dan?
Dan:
And, you know what next week is? The very first debate.
Maureen:
Which night is the debate?
Dan:
Tuesday night, the 29th. That's fun. It's fun. We're getting into the real good part, Maureen.
Maureen:
What are we going to do next week, Dan? Are we going to-
Dan:
Cry?
Maureen:
... watch it and talk to each other through it?
Dan:
We might want to delay an episode just by a day, I mean, because typically, Says Whovians, we record on a Tuesday, which would mean we would not have any reaction, which maybe is better for our own sanity.
Maureen:
What is this debate going to look like?
Dan:
I don't know.
Maureen:
I mean-
Dan:
I don't know.
Maureen:
... honestly, this might be the craziest shit that has ever happened. I'll tell you what right now, Dan.
Dan:
Yeah. I'm going to go, "Yeah."
Maureen:
We're getting takeout that night, and we're getting motherfucking ice cream because ...
Dan:
Well-earned.
Maureen:
Yeah. We're getting ice cream. We're getting fucking ice cream.
Dan:
Oh, yeah. Get a lot. A couple of gallons.
Maureen:
Just one nice ice cream. Just a nice ice cream. Maybe a little ice cream sundae. We can make it home and eat it while we sit there and watch the craziest shit that has ever happened.
Dan:
I try to imagine it, and my brain just is static.
Maureen:
I mean, I know that I can just say the craziest shit that's ever happened, and we all understand why ... But, I want to say out loud why it's going to be the craziest shit that's ever happened, Dan.
Dan:
It's just fuzz.
Maureen:
Is he going to just walk off?
Dan:
Which one? When you say "he" there, I'm going to need you to clarify.
Maureen:
Biden will never walk off. He'll stand there-
Dan:
Biden should walk off.
Maureen:
He should, but he won't. He would just stand there.
Dan:
Biden should just say, "You know what? I don't need to take this shit," and walk off the stage. He should drop the fucking S-bomb, rip the mic off, and walk offstage.
Maureen:
Dan, seriously, what is this going to look like? What is it going to look like, Dan?
Dan:
You're asking me like I can tell you, but I'm trying to express to you-
Maureen:
I want you to tell me!
Dan:
... that literally in my head when I try to picture it, it's just static. There's just fuzz. I can't even picture it in my head.
Maureen:
How long is it?
Dan:
It doesn't exist. There's just a blank there.
Maureen:
All right. Hold on. I'm looking it up now because ... Dan? Dan?
Dan:
I don't know.
Maureen:
I'm looking it up! Debate. Got this big metal fucking thing on my finger. It hits all the wrong ... Oh, goddamn it. That's not on the debate.
Maureen:
All right. Let's see here. Goddamn it. What to know about them. Oh, debates. Okay. All right. It's going to be at Case Western, in Cleveland. It's going to be 9:00 to 10:30. The nonpartisan Commission on President ... The moderator is going to be Chris Wallace of Fox News Sunday, Susan Page of USA Today, Steve Scully of C-SPAN, and Kristen Welker of NBC. Unlike in years past, there's only one moderator in each debate.
Dan:
Right. Yeah. Chris Wallace is this one, if I'm not mistaken.
Maureen:
Okay. So, the first one between them is the 29th. The second one between them is the 15th, and the third one between them is the 22nd. And then, there's one for-
Dan:
Yeah. And, I think the 7th is-
Maureen:
... the vice presidential.
Dan:
... the VP.
Maureen:
Yeah. There are three of these. There's no way he's going to all three of them, Dan. There is absolutely no way, right? Right? Or, is he? Dan, what's going to happen? Is he going to go to all three of them? Dan? Dan, is he? Dan, tell me. Come on. Just tell me.
Dan:
I mean, already after spending the entire summer basically trying to say that Joe Biden is an enfeebled man with dementia, because he is now actually making appearances and he's clearly neither of those things, not that he was before, they are now deciding that what they should do is say that he's taking some sort of drug that makes him lucid and capable. I think it might've been Dojo most recently said that he takes a shot in the ass and then, for two hours, is able to function.
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Hey ...
Dan:
Oh, no ...
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Hey! Are you talking about my man?
Dan:
Hey, Amy Carter's Shoe. We were-
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Can I get shot in the ass?
Dan:
Yeah. We were. Are you looking forward to the debates, Amy Carter's Shoe?
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Yeah.
Dan:
I bet-
Amy Carter's Shoe:
I'm just kidding.
Dan:
... you are.
Amy Carter's Shoe:
It's going to be hot.
Dan:
Are you going to go to Case Western, or you watching from home?
Amy Carter's Shoe:
I'm going to go!
Dan:
Whoa.
Amy Carter's Shoe:
I'm hoping for a clear podium.
Dan:
I don't ... I'm not sure I know what that means.
Amy Carter's Shoe:
A see-through podium.
Dan:
Oh ... You meant that literally.
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Yeah. Shot in the ass, and you're to blame. Biden's dong is my game.
Dan:
Oh, God!
Amy Carter's Shoe:
He's got big balls, and he's not to blame. I say Biden's dong is my game.
Dan:
You're not even dancing around anything. That's just-
Amy Carter's Shoe:
Yay! Shot in the ass ...
Maureen:
Dan! Dan!
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Dan, what is this going to be like? Is he going to do the thing where he did with Hillary Clinton, where he stalked her around the stage like a-
Dan:
I mean, I would assume-
Maureen:
... weirdo on the subway?
Dan:
One of the things that I don't know is what are the COVID-related regulations here? Yeah. I mean, I certainly think about when he was absolutely stalking behind Hillary Clinton at all times. He was looming behind her. I can't imagine that they will have staging that is as freewheeling as that.
Dan:
That was a town hall if I'm not mistaken, which usually is more of like you're on a stool, and then you get up and you walk around while you talk to the various people that ask you questions. But, both Trump and Joe Biden did town halls last week with CNN, and Joe Biden did a drive-through which was pretty cool. Everyone in cars. Donald Trump did one in a theater where they had the people asking questions up on the balcony level, all of them masked, and he basically said that everyone was chicken for wearing a mask and not coming closer to him, though one would assume that they agreed to that staging.
Dan:
He was a little wacky, but that was where they came up with this idea that Joe Biden's getting some sort of drug because he was fully lucid. He was able to answer questions at length, including a lengthy discussion about the different types of vaccines and how they work. I think it was Bill O'Reilly to say that he thought that the questions had been shared with Biden in advance, despite the fact that I would assume, if I was running for president and was prepping for a town hall, I would have boned up significantly on answers around the coronavirus and the economy, which seems to be where they think he was cheating, by knowing answers to those things.
Dan:
It's going to be weird. To answer your question, Maureen, it's going to be weird.
Maureen:
Dan, how dare you?
Dan:
What? I thought even ... What? Wait ... How dare me?
Maureen:
How dare you?
Dan:
What am I daring me about? What?
Maureen:
I know what takeout we're going to get.
Dan:
Okay. But, wait ... Can we go back to the whole how dare you part?
Maureen:
How dare you? First of all, let me tell you what takeout we're going to get.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
There is an excellent Italian restaurant near here. It's like real proper red sauce. When we got married and my English family came over to meet my American family, it was the first time we went to one of these big ... It's in the East Village. You sit at a round table, and you all have Parmesan together. It was real fun. I look back on it so fondly. It was so great to see everybody, Dan. Remember that kind of thing?
Maureen:
Anyway, going to get a big bowl of their rigatoni with red sauce. Oh, with some basil ... It's real simple. It's like something you basically make yourself, but this place, they just make a real good sauce. It's one of those things that you start thinking about, a big bowl of their rigatoni and sauce. You're like, "Oh, that would taste real good." So, that's what I'm going to get for dinner. And then, we're going to get ice cream or cake. I'm not sure which.
Dan:
Dude, fuck it. Get both.
Maureen:
How dare you?
Dan:
But, I didn't do anything!
Maureen:
You won't tell me what's going to happen, Dan. Nobody knows, and I am upset because I don't understand!
Dan:
I mean, it's going to be a shit show, if that's the question.
Maureen:
This was [crosstalk 00:42:08]-
Dan:
How is it going? What is going to happen? It's going to be a shit show.
Maureen:
Dan, this was like when I was reading Breaking Dawn. I was trying to figure out how the vampire baby was going to come out, and the vampire baby started eating Bella from the inside, and then all kinds of things happen, and I was like, "What is happening?" And, no shade on that book. It's just I couldn't figure out what was happening with the vampire baby, and this is how I feel about it, Dan, because I don't understand.
Dan:
Are you saying that there's the possibility that one of them is going to be eaten from the inside out by a vampire baby? Because that is far more interesting to me than what I think is going to happen.
Maureen:
Dan. Let's run through the real possibilities, okay? Because, Dan, I am sick of you not telling me, and I'm angry at you for it. How dare you? Okay.
Dan:
Well, okay.
Maureen:
I am upset about this, Dan. I am upset that no one will tell me what is going on.
Dan:
The big problem with time is that it's linear.
Maureen:
Dan! All right. Very real possibility one most likely is that Trump basically just sits there the whole time doing that little weird sneer, going, "No, it's you. No, I did great. I did great." And, that's like an hour and a half of him just interrupting, and they're just interrupting each other, and then he says he does great, with a few real boners in there, where he just-
Dan:
Oh.
Maureen:
Wait. Who are you?
Dan:
It makes me cough trying to do that. It was just that you said "boners," and it felt like if there was ever an opportunity-
Maureen:
Dan, possibility number two. Trump walks off.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
I mean, it's not likely, but it's not impossible, right? I definitely don't think he does all three of them. Or, maybe he will-
Dan:
Yeah. I would-
Maureen:
I think it's a possibility that he doesn't do all three of them, that he's like, "It's a sham, and I'm just ..." You know.
Dan:
If they continue the Biden is doping to perform well at a debate, I could see them insisting for the second debate that he doesn't take some sort of performance-enhancing drug, and then he still does fine, and then they refuse the third because he won't stop doping.
Maureen:
Right.
Dan:
If we're in the dumbest possible set of things, that would be how the third doesn't happen.
Maureen:
Is Chris Wallace the one that's criticized ... because I refuse to follow what's going on with any Fox ... But, I know that one of them has spoken up against him. Is it Chris Wallace?
Dan:
Chris Wallace is the one who ... I don't know what time is anymore, but I think it was a month or two ago ... didn't interview with Trump, like a Sunday show interview in which he fact-checked him on a number-
Maureen:
Okay. That was him.
Dan:
... of his statements. Yeah, he was more confrontational than what you would expect from a Fox reporter.
Maureen:
Right. Okay. So, possibility number three. I don't know. He just strokes out onstage. I don't know. I don't know. You won't tell me, and that's why I don't know.
Dan:
I won't. I am a little bit thrown today, Maureen, and I have to tell you why. It's because-
Maureen:
Why?
Dan:
... right before lockdown, I got new glasses, and it was clear that they were not correct for me pretty much immediately. In fact, I went back and had them redo it and got them literally right before everything shut down. I've been living with these shitty glasses that I can't really see out of well, and I finally got new glasses by just ordering them over the internet. I'm not sure why I didn't do that to begin with, but here we are. And, now I can see really well while we're talking.
Maureen:
Well, there's your mistake. Don't do that.
Dan:
And, I saw on my Twitter feed, as you were talking, flit by, apparently, as we are talking, Kayleigh McEnany is doing a press conference. She was just asked, "What do you say to Americans who blame this administration for 200,000 COVID deaths?" She responded, "The fact that we have come nowhere near two million deaths is a testament to this president taking immediate action."
Maureen:
Want to hear about England?
Dan:
Sure.
Maureen:
Because remember I promised you a cookie. You were good and talked about what happened in America despite the fact that you will not tell me what's going to happen next Tuesday.
Dan:
Like I said, it's just fuzz in my head.
Maureen:
Dan, what's going to happen? I'm not joking. It's making me agitated.
Dan:
I don't think anyone could tell you.
Maureen:
You could tell me if you tried. You won't try.
Dan:
Okay. Fine. I will tell you.
Maureen:
Yay! Yay!
Dan:
The bar will be set so low for Donald Trump that even though most of his answers are full-fledged lies and he is largely incoherent, but that he won't have ... I don't know ... stabbed Joe Biden on the stage or actively laughed about the number of COVID deaths, he will be said to have exceeded expectation and almost seemed presidential. And then, Joe Biden will have a moment where he says ... I don't know ... North Dakota when he meant North Carolina, and it will be constantly talked about how he is elderly and can't compose and think of facts on the fly.
Dan:
That's what I think it will be. I think that it is a stacked fucking deck. Aren't you glad that you asked me? Aren't you glad that you bullied me into telling you? Did I make you happy now?
Maureen:
The sauce at this place where I'm going to get the food from is ... First of all, Dan, we're going to need to be on Twitter together, have a little back channel with each other, get some nice food ... Maybe make one of your cereal bowls with the two types of cereal in it. It's nice, isn't it?
Dan:
But, see, to me, eating something that I enjoy while watching something that I hate, I worry that it will make me hate the thing that I enjoy.
Maureen:
Yeah, I feel like food will just always buck you up. You know what I mean?
Dan:
I guess.
Maureen:
But, Dan ... All right. Here. Reals ... England in a nutshell is this. That whole Brexit thing, which officially happened last year, nothing really happened yet because they hadn't worked out the details of all the trade agreements. They had a withdrawal agreement, which is technically implemented, and they've been trying to work out in England, in the UK, how to sort this all out, and they put together an internal law which they tried to push through, which would just in a teeny little way break international law-
Dan:
Oh. Perfect.
Maureen:
... and their own laws. And so-
Dan:
You know ... details.
Maureen:
Basically, none of that stuff is settled, and if they don't get it all settled to Brussels by some time in October, there's no agreement right now. They could crash ... I believe they could crash through with no trade deal, and that would just happen. So, meanwhile, their numbers in the UK are going up, and they have been revising their guidance, as far as I can tell, 17 times a day. And-
Dan:
Oh, perfect.
Maureen:
... the guidance is so confusing, it actually makes ours almost appear to make sense. Things like you can go to restaurants, but you have to leave by 10:00. You can only-
Dan:
I forgot about that part about coronavirus.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
About how it comes out a night like a monster.
Maureen:
Like an American Werewolf in London. So, you have to leave by 10:00. You can only be in groups of six or fewer, but children under a certain age don't count. Also, there's certain gatherings that don't count. For example, they're allowing you to have weddings with up to 15 people.
Dan:
Sure.
Maureen:
Okay. Yes.
Dan:
And as many children as you want.
Maureen:
So, they had a thing that ... They had a restaurant ... an initiative, where to try to get everyone to go to eat at restaurants, you would pay for one meal, and the government paid for the other to try to buck up-
Dan:
Wow.
Maureen:
Yeah. They did this for a while in the summer. It was like an eat ... I forget. It had a name. But, that stopped. Now you can still eat, but you have to leave pubs and restaurants by 10:00. So, I guess that means that those places can have more than six people in them.
Maureen:
Okay. I'm going to read from the BBC. "Michael Gove says people in England should quote 'work from home if they can' to reduce social mixing." Plans have spectator at sports fixtures would pause. Pubs, bars, and restaurants and other hospitality venues have to close by 10:00. And, you can have up to 15 people at a wedding.
Maureen:
Now, last month, the government told everyone to go back to the offices, but now they're telling people not to go back into the offices. And so, they changed that. So, for example, our family in England, there's a birthday coming up, and so, they can have six people. They can have the four members of one family and the two members, Oscar's parents, plus one other person because there's a child.
Dan:
Sure thing. Got it.
Maureen:
They've all been like a unit together, so they can have dinner together on the birthday. But, that's what things are like. It's so bananas.
Maureen:
Meanwhile, we watched parliamentary coverage of them doing the thing about this international law, and nobody was wearing a mask. I was like, "Why is nobody wearing a mask?" He's like, "It doesn't seem to be a thing as much in the UK." So, there is that. So, gatherings of six or 15 or in a bar and restaurant, but not after 10:00. Go back to the office, but do not go back to the office.
Dan:
Well, at least it's a federal response. At least it's across the entire fucking country.
Maureen:
I don't even know if it is.
Dan:
Well, that's great. Well, here, the CDC posted guidelines on Friday saying that in fact you can catch the virus through airborne transmission, and then they took it down on Monday, saying that it was a mistake, that they'd published a draft. So, I'd still take the British response, quite honestly.
Maureen:
I don't know that you would, Dan. It's real confusing because they keep ... like multiple times in a day. It was like that time the guy was like, "I had COVID, so what I did was immediately get in the car with my family and drive four hours north." But, Dan, really quick because I know we have to stop soon. I just want to say this.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Around this time in 2016, 2018, we talked a lot about what to do. This is a coping strategy. What do we do? And, I realized that I wasn't even thinking very much in terms of what to do because it's like every time we turn around, we get a dodgeball to the face. So, how to do things right now, aside from, yes, if you're registered to vote, if you can be a poll worker, if you can make calls, that's all super, super, super, super important. And, it's one part of the picture because I think the rest of it is really ... We got to do a lot more.
Maureen:
What more is there to do? Things are really fucked and broken, and it's not enough to be just like, "Let's just put this same shit through again." It's not enough. We have to get rid of Trump. We have to flip the Senate. We have to do a lot and more than that, bigger than that, structural that. But, also, what can we do right now?
Maureen:
One of the only thoughts I had was wouldn't it be nice ... like what individual weird shit on our own ... and I was like, "I would love if I could figure out how to do it, to get a giant fucking banner ... I don't think it would cost that much to do, either. I just have to figure out the logistics, because there is a fucking Trump store near where my family is, and I would love to hang or somehow have something that just constantly drove by or parked outside the Trump store, that just said the quote about Trump and veterans or 200,000 people ... something really hard hitting ... I can't-
Dan:
I mean, there's likely a billboard right outside.
Maureen:
I don't think there is.
Dan:
Is it in a strip mall or something like that?
Maureen:
It's in a strip mall.
Dan:
Yeah. I'm sure there's a billboard that you could get.
Maureen:
I mean, like directly in front of it, in the parking lot.
Dan:
You could hire one of those little trucks, those sign trucks.
Maureen:
Yeah. That's what I'm thinking, like a sign truck that just drives around all day long, all through that area. That's probably not that expensive.
Dan:
I once looked into the price of billboards in Paul Ryan's hometown for obvious reasons, back when he was a thing. I was shocked at how inexpensive they were. A couple of hundred bucks to get a billboard going. Also shocked at how helpful the person was, because billboards, almost all of them are owned by a couple of billboard conglomerates. But, they are still rented at the local level, so they're local salespeople. When I called, and I would imagine for where you're looking, it would be similar, I got someone who lived in that town and basically was like, "Well, do you want billboards for where he gets his groceries?" I was like, "Yes, I do."
Maureen:
Yes, I do.
Dan:
"Or his drive home from the airport?" I'm like, "Yes. That also." And then, she gave me a bunch of different quotes. So, billboards are a totally possible thing.
Maureen:
What is that kind of truck called? A billboard truck?
Dan:
It's probably called a sign truck.
Maureen:
I put in sign truck, and that ... mobile billboard truck ...
Dan:
There you go.
Maureen:
All right. So, if you all want a ... Bucks County mobile billboard truck. All right.
Dan:
There you go.
Maureen:
So, listen, if you're all looking for a project, maybe figure out pricing on a mobile billboard truck and a good message, like something really, really hardcore and guilt-ridden, with a graphic. And then, how much it would cost to drive it around this area of Bucks County, Pennsylvania, and then park in front of the Trump store and circle the mall and really ... just a real just dripping ... like one of those Trump quotes about the military or something like that, something that would really get to those kind of people, those kind of voters, just to really drive that shit around right before the election, a couple days before ... Maybe that could be a fun project we could do together, and if it's basically affordable, I'd do it.
Dan:
I just like the idea of you driving it around. That's what I want now. I want you behind the wheel.
Maureen:
Goddamn it. Just digital, mobile ... America ... digital LED billboard trucks ... Yeah. I think that's what I'm looking for-
Dan:
Yeah. They're a lot.
Maureen:
... a digital mobile truck. I'd need somebody to do the graphic for me and ... Yeah.
Dan:
This is all achievable. This is all achievable, but you know what else is achievable? Making Says Who possible, which is achievable by you, through your support of our Patreon, at Patreon.com/SaysWho, where every Sunday, you get a whole other Says Who at Quarantine Sunday, at Patreon.com/SaysWho, if you sponsor at the five dollar a month level.
Dan:
Our theme music is performed by Ted Leo. Our logo is designed by Darth. You can contact us at Says Who Podcast on Twitter. You can email at Hey ... That is H-E-Y ... at Says Who Podcast dot com. You can join the discussion on Facebook at slash groups slash Says Whovians. Our Facebook group is moderated by Janice Dillard.
Dan:
You can spread the word, subscribe, and please do leave stars and reviews on Apple Podcast or Spotify or wherever you listen. And, you can join us ... Are we coming out next Wednesday, or are we going to come out on Thursday?
Maureen:
I would think next Thursday.
Dan:
Yeah. I think next we're moving into that time of year, where we're going to need to shift around a little bit. So, keep abreast. You can join us next Thursday, which is October 1st, so that you can hear debate debate, because that will be happening the night that we would normally record. So, Thursday, October 1st, make your calendar. A whole lot of people say that the only way they know what day it is, is because Says Who always comes out at the same day, same time, all the time. So, we are about to have a lot of confused Says Whovians.
Maureen:
We're about to fuck you up.
Dan:
So, plenty of forewarning, Thursday is not Wednesday.
Maureen:
How dare you? And, if you have any ideas about my billboard, about if we can get this together, please email us or tweet at us, so I can ... This is something we can spread some guilt, put a couple facts on there, good facts to put on there, like real ... you know. So, if you have these, let me know. Let me know!
Dan:
Let her know. And, until then, from my basement in Chicago, I am Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
And, from my office in New York with my big metal finger, I'm Maureen ... Ouch. I'm Maureen Johnson.
Dan:
This has been Says Who.
Dan:
You're going to urgent care again, aren't you?
Maureen:
See you tomorrow.