Says Who?
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Are you looking for some friendly company to help you through the hell that we find ourselves in after the 2016 election? Dan Sinker and Maureen Johnson—one journalist and one author—try to figure out what the hell is going on. Maybe, together, they can figure it out (spoiler alert: probably not)! Why not grab your coffee (or something stronger) and pull up a chair?

SAYS WHO: it's not a podcast—it's a coping strategy.

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    THE MYSTERIOUS MR. CALAMARI

    Trump has been busy in Hanoi, getting...well, nothing done! He is mad! He is sad! Things are bad! Everyone and everything in his life is about to be examined. He's going to need to talk to some food about this. Yes, the hamburger buffet is back!

    Maureen has had a busy few days, which means that again, Dan has been looking into things. And he's found something. Or, he's found...well, he's found the Mysterious Life of Mr. Calamari, the COO of Trump Inc. What's with this squid? Dan has much to tell in that he has nothing to tell. It's like the opposite of the omelette story.

    Why does everything in this come down to food?

    Who's hungry? Hungry for hamberders? Hungry for testimony? Hungry for documentary evidence? Well, get a plate, because the buffet is open!

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    THINGS ARE COHEN YOUR WAY

    What's this? Maureen was at Disney over the weekend? It's true. The reason was sad, but it was therapeutic. Disney is there to embrace us at our time of need. So once again, Dan was steering the Good Ship SaysWho into the seas of news. AND THE SEAS ARE CHURNING.

    As we record, we are on the eve of Michael Cohen Mania. The President's former lawyer and professional goober is about to spill the beans on TV. He has a story he wants to tell, a song he wants to sing. Meanwhile, the President is going to meet with his penpal, Kim Jong-Un, and will probably do anything to take attention away from Michael Cohen. Maureen thinks they may even have a sex, right there, on the TV!

    MEANWHILE, Paul Manafort got in trouble for telling every single lie and Roger Stone got in trouble for accidentally on purpose putting a crosshairs on a picture of the judge in his case. No one here is smart, and it's all coming to pieces.

    Thankfully, we have SaysWhosterpiece Theater to bring some class to Roger Stone's gag order hearing this week. And playing the role of Roger Stone's lawyer, we have a special guest: Starlee Kine.

    Did we mention Disney? Let's think about that.

    Make sure your head and arms are inside of the car, SaysWhovians. The bar will lower automatically. We are going on a ride.

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    OMELETTE YOU FINISH

    Maureen has had a Bad Week and didn't follow any news. Not to fear! Dan has once again been following the most important story of the week. Paul Manafort.... no. The shutdown being... no. Not that either. Oh, Rodger Stone threatening his judg... no? Not that?

    What was it?

    It turns out Dan has outdone himself and has poured hours and hours of research and collected documentation and collected the dots on... a photo of Trump getting an omelette? It sounds implausible, silly... but then he breaks it down, taking you on a wild journey that goes from Walgreens, to DoJo's divorce, to the award-industrial complex, art fraud, the mob, some people named Muffy and Biffy, attempted murder, and a goddamned giant eagle statue.

    This week, Dan may win a Pulitzer. Or possible the Blue Apron award for journalism. This time, Says Who has the story first. We're the Woodward and Bernstein of breakfast bars, and we're just looking for our Deep Throat.

    Take a tray, SaysWhovia. You can have as many toppings as you want.

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    A DOG AND BONER STORY

    Maureen is back from Costa Rica and Dan is happy. Dan wants to bring her back into the fold, to share his suffering. But is it so simple? Maureen has seen a monkey. She is on a different wavelength now.

    Dan has so much to share with her. For example, the President had his physical, and once again, he is strong like Iron Man despite a diet of cheeseburgers, candy, and rage tweeting. We have been subjected to stories of Jeff Bezos's dick pics. Roger Stone has merch. And Donald Trump tried to ruin the entire concept of dogs.

    But Maureen cannot be moved. She is still thinking of coconuts. What will bring her back? It turns out, there is something that will crack her.

    Also, it's time to buy the Says Who boat and set sail together. Gather your loved ones. It's time to go. Ahoy!

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    STATE OF THE WHOVIAN

    This week, Maureen comes to you from Costa Rica this week, where she is recording outside, while an ocean breeze blows and the birds call from the trees. She has not had good Wifi and therefore doesn't know much about what has been going on.

    Dan knows what is going on. He has followed all the news, read all the stories and reports and supporting documents. He watched the State of the Union. Maureen could not, because the Wifi went out completely on Tuesday night for about twelve hours, so there was no contact with the outside world. She spent it communing with friends and nature.

    Dan seems tense, even though Maureen explains how all things are connected. There was a monkey in a tree. This does not seem to help. Dan walks Maureen through the state of the Russia investigation and breaks down Executive Time.

    But Maureen is seeing things with different eyes.She encourages Dan to take her hand and come to the ocean. Will Dan go? Does he understand that All is One? Where is he going? Why is he screaming?

    Sit down, SaysWhovia. It's time to breathe deep. Namaste.

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    F***NUT SUPERGROUP

    Maureen was away on a book tour last week. Luckily, it was a quiet week in which nothing happened.

    Oh wait! Things DID happen, and Dan wanted to talk about them. It's all been building up inside of him. Trump folding, and then Trump folding, and then Roger Stone getting carted off. All of this is a fascinating prelude to the week's BIG story--Maureen's Panel of Sister Husbands. Yes, all of Maureen's paramours formed a F***NUT SUPERGROUP for one night only to win her heart. There's Michael, the smart one; Jerome, the emotional one; Sam, the cucumber man; and Everyone's Favorite, Carter. Who can choose?

    Oh, and yes, the shutdown ended and Roger Stone was arrested in a pre-dawn raid.

    Here we go, SaysWhovia. Get yourself a Nixon tattoo and hang on to your butts.

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    LIVIN ON A PRAYER

    Hold your head high, SaysWhovian, because you, YOU, have made it through the halfway point of the Trump presidency. It hasn't been easy, sure, and the government may be shut down, there may be a bucket in the window of the White House, Rudy Giluiani may be just spouting bullshit all the time but look: nobody said it would be easy.

    But here we are! We are halfway there! We are living on a prayer! Take our hand, we'll make it we swear! Whoa, oha, that's all the lyrics we remember.

    All this, plus Maureen leaves for tour, Amy Carter's shoe returns, and a bunch of other bullshit. Wait.

    Here we go!

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    HAMBERDERS

    Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders. Hamberders.

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    PRIME TIME, CRIME TIME with Lisa Tozzi

    It's so late, Sayswhovia. It's nearly...ten o'clock! But Dan and Maureen have stood sentinel by the television and waited. And watched. And they saw the speech. All ten stupid minutes of it. How could A MERE TEN MINUTES be that dumb? It was like the TARDIS OF STUPID. Did you know that a wall could pay for a wall? DID YOU KNOW IT?

    But that's not all the stupid today held! Paul Manafort's lawyers made an oopsie. And some Russians sold a painting. So many marvels! Dan and Maureen examined them all and return to you with their report.

    Also, did you remember that the government is still shut down? Neither did we and neither did our guest, the amazing Lisa Tozzi from BuzzFeed who calls in to explain how we got here and how maybe we will never ever get out. But upbeat. Really!

    Mostly, though, Maureen wants to go to bed, but Dan has been possessed by a demon. Get a pillow and priest, Sayswhovia! It's showtime!

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    HERE WE GO!

    Should old acquaintance be forgot and never talk to mimes... It's something something something some thing some thing it's Says Who Time!

    Dan and Maureen are back after the holiday. They had a good time, unlike SOME PEOPLE. Since the last Says Who, most things have been quiet, except for major resignations, the government shutting down, and the stock market crashing. Donald Trump had the holiday sads at the White House, where he rattled around, waiting for three ghosts to show up. But no one wants to work there, not even a ghost. So he did a lot of tweeting about...walls. And wheels. And walls. And concrete. And not concrete. And he pretended to work and have meeting and be busy. You know. Normal stuff.

    The first of the year is a time to look backwards and forwards, and maybe even side to side. Dan and Maureen have a good old talk about 2019, and how they're going to approach it. And they have come up with a new slogan for the year--the successor to To the Maxx!

    Here comes the Says Who bus! Get on board and take a seat! We're going to 2019!

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