Says Who?
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Are you looking for some friendly company to help you through the hell that we find ourselves in after the 2016 election? Dan Sinker and Maureen Johnson—one journalist and one author—try to figure out what the hell is going on. Maybe, together, they can figure it out (spoiler alert: probably not)! Why not grab your coffee (or something stronger) and pull up a chair?

SAYS WHO: it's not a podcast—it's a coping strategy.

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    JUST STICK IT IN THERE, CHAD

    It's important to do your homework. Maureen knows this. Dan knows this. You know it. Study. Be prepared. Learn.

    Which is how we come to this week, in which Britain crashes headlong into a brick wall of its own making as it tries to condense one of the most colossal decisions in their history into two days. A week in which a President who has a vocabulary that could be written out on six flashcards gutted the Secret Service--a Secret Service who found a bunch of really hinky spyware drives and asked the question, "What if we just stuck this in our computer full of secret information?" What if, SaysWhovia? WHAT IF?

    Is it possible that things are not running as well as we had hoped?

    Plus, Maureen is traveling again. Dan is about to lose his beard.

    And we all take a strange trip down to Mar a Lago to learn... something. We learn something OK?

    Stay in school, SaysWhovia.

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    POD SAVE THE QUEEN with HAYES BROWN

    Here in SaysWhovia, we frequently sit on our porches of an evening, talking to our neighbors about whatever ****ery Trump has done that week. Like, claim his dad is from Germany, or threaten to shut the border or blow up all of healthcare. Or, you know, a normal Wednesday.

    But how often do we look over at the tremendous ****ery that's going on with our British Cousins, in SaysWhovia, UK? Because, as it turns out, A LOT IS GOING ON, and we've got Hayes Brown from Buzzfeed in for our BREXIT BREAKDOWN.

    Plus, Maureen had a blender and she needs to tell Dan all about it. And SaysWhovia got a postage machine!

    Pour yourself a cup of tea and turn off the telly. It's time for Says Who!

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    LET'S TAKE FLORIDA

    It's been a full TWO WEEKS since the last episode. This is because both Dan and Maureen have been traveling. Dan has been going west! And Maureen has gone to Florida, and Florida, and Canada!, and Florida.

    In fact, she's still in Florida! And her mic doesn't work!

    Why so much Florida? Many reasons, Sayswhovians. One of them is for research. Because, if we are going to win, we are going to need to take Florida back. Maureen is studying its ways, watching golfers and yacht-buyers and people with hats. The Says Who Revolution starts in the Everglades.

    Meanwhile, it's been a big two weeks for crimes! So many crimes. Paul Manafort crimes and rich people crimes. The President is taking it all well and nothing is wrong.

    Also, there is Brexit, which is also going fine and nothing is wrong.

    Pull up a chair under this patio umbrella and catch up with us. We need to start building SaysWhovia. Let's make a plan.

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    THE MYSTERIOUS MR. CALAMARI

    Trump has been busy in Hanoi, getting...well, nothing done! He is mad! He is sad! Things are bad! Everyone and everything in his life is about to be examined. He's going to need to talk to some food about this. Yes, the hamburger buffet is back!

    Maureen has had a busy few days, which means that again, Dan has been looking into things. And he's found something. Or, he's found...well, he's found the Mysterious Life of Mr. Calamari, the COO of Trump Inc. What's with this squid? Dan has much to tell in that he has nothing to tell. It's like the opposite of the omelette story.

    Why does everything in this come down to food?

    Who's hungry? Hungry for hamberders? Hungry for testimony? Hungry for documentary evidence? Well, get a plate, because the buffet is open!

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    THINGS ARE COHEN YOUR WAY

    What's this? Maureen was at Disney over the weekend? It's true. The reason was sad, but it was therapeutic. Disney is there to embrace us at our time of need. So once again, Dan was steering the Good Ship SaysWho into the seas of news. AND THE SEAS ARE CHURNING.

    As we record, we are on the eve of Michael Cohen Mania. The President's former lawyer and professional goober is about to spill the beans on TV. He has a story he wants to tell, a song he wants to sing. Meanwhile, the President is going to meet with his penpal, Kim Jong-Un, and will probably do anything to take attention away from Michael Cohen. Maureen thinks they may even have a sex, right there, on the TV!

    MEANWHILE, Paul Manafort got in trouble for telling every single lie and Roger Stone got in trouble for accidentally on purpose putting a crosshairs on a picture of the judge in his case. No one here is smart, and it's all coming to pieces.

    Thankfully, we have SaysWhosterpiece Theater to bring some class to Roger Stone's gag order hearing this week. And playing the role of Roger Stone's lawyer, we have a special guest: Starlee Kine.

    Did we mention Disney? Let's think about that.

    Make sure your head and arms are inside of the car, SaysWhovians. The bar will lower automatically. We are going on a ride.

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    OMELETTE YOU FINISH

    Maureen has had a Bad Week and didn't follow any news. Not to fear! Dan has once again been following the most important story of the week. Paul Manafort.... no. The shutdown being... no. Not that either. Oh, Rodger Stone threatening his judg... no? Not that?

    What was it?

    It turns out Dan has outdone himself and has poured hours and hours of research and collected documentation and collected the dots on... a photo of Trump getting an omelette? It sounds implausible, silly... but then he breaks it down, taking you on a wild journey that goes from Walgreens, to DoJo's divorce, to the award-industrial complex, art fraud, the mob, some people named Muffy and Biffy, attempted murder, and a goddamned giant eagle statue.

    This week, Dan may win a Pulitzer. Or possible the Blue Apron award for journalism. This time, Says Who has the story first. We're the Woodward and Bernstein of breakfast bars, and we're just looking for our Deep Throat.

    Take a tray, SaysWhovia. You can have as many toppings as you want.

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    A DOG AND BONER STORY

    Maureen is back from Costa Rica and Dan is happy. Dan wants to bring her back into the fold, to share his suffering. But is it so simple? Maureen has seen a monkey. She is on a different wavelength now.

    Dan has so much to share with her. For example, the President had his physical, and once again, he is strong like Iron Man despite a diet of cheeseburgers, candy, and rage tweeting. We have been subjected to stories of Jeff Bezos's dick pics. Roger Stone has merch. And Donald Trump tried to ruin the entire concept of dogs.

    But Maureen cannot be moved. She is still thinking of coconuts. What will bring her back? It turns out, there is something that will crack her.

    Also, it's time to buy the Says Who boat and set sail together. Gather your loved ones. It's time to go. Ahoy!

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    STATE OF THE WHOVIAN

    This week, Maureen comes to you from Costa Rica this week, where she is recording outside, while an ocean breeze blows and the birds call from the trees. She has not had good Wifi and therefore doesn't know much about what has been going on.

    Dan knows what is going on. He has followed all the news, read all the stories and reports and supporting documents. He watched the State of the Union. Maureen could not, because the Wifi went out completely on Tuesday night for about twelve hours, so there was no contact with the outside world. She spent it communing with friends and nature.

    Dan seems tense, even though Maureen explains how all things are connected. There was a monkey in a tree. This does not seem to help. Dan walks Maureen through the state of the Russia investigation and breaks down Executive Time.

    But Maureen is seeing things with different eyes.She encourages Dan to take her hand and come to the ocean. Will Dan go? Does he understand that All is One? Where is he going? Why is he screaming?

    Sit down, SaysWhovia. It's time to breathe deep. Namaste.

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    F***NUT SUPERGROUP

    Maureen was away on a book tour last week. Luckily, it was a quiet week in which nothing happened.

    Oh wait! Things DID happen, and Dan wanted to talk about them. It's all been building up inside of him. Trump folding, and then Trump folding, and then Roger Stone getting carted off. All of this is a fascinating prelude to the week's BIG story--Maureen's Panel of Sister Husbands. Yes, all of Maureen's paramours formed a F***NUT SUPERGROUP for one night only to win her heart. There's Michael, the smart one; Jerome, the emotional one; Sam, the cucumber man; and Everyone's Favorite, Carter. Who can choose?

    Oh, and yes, the shutdown ended and Roger Stone was arrested in a pre-dawn raid.

    Here we go, SaysWhovia. Get yourself a Nixon tattoo and hang on to your butts.

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